What can I possibly ask for?

My twenty-fifth birthday, never imagined that would be that AWE-SOME!! I was kinda … what’s the word? … well I wasn’t that excited about a birthday party, since all my old friends are not around, and I couldn’t ask that much of my new friends, so I started celebrating it a week before.

But before talking about this one, let’s flashback to all my seven previous birthdays that were organised by my friends :

2004 : I went with the girls to eat shawarma, but we had to come back early because Madre would close the door by 8 pm, we actually came back late, and let the girl who speaks spanish talk to her, since all we understood in spanish was “Te quiero”. The party went on in the study room, dancing on loud chaabi music. I turned eighteen, life was so empty at that time.

2005 : Ftour with Amnesty guys, Karaoké at McDonalds’, singing “wasn’t me” alone, “ya wad ya t2il” with Najoua, “Kuch Kuch Hota Hai” with Otman, the rest of the night in Monjas. Being around friends was pretty enough for me, but my friends thought they had to empty markets to bring me presents. I had A LOT of presents that year hamdullah.

2006 : I was just starting the second school year, for the second time, which just made me new classmates, added to the first ones, the party was crouded enough, exactly how I like it! I was lucky Achraf came from Meknès that day, and I had all my friends around me, and I really mean all my friends, because that day, everyone who mattered to me was present.

2007 : This one I didn’t expect, my house in Tangier was always crouded, so having a bunch of girls over didn’t really make a diffrence. They did their best to keep me away from the kitchen where the cake was hidden, we danced all night, and we made fun of people and friends all night.

2008 : This year was my best friends graduation year, but they insisted on keeping the tradition, Ghyslaine had to come up with a fight problem with her fiancé to keep me in the room talking to her, while the others were setting the table. I really appreciated the fact that my stressed senior year friend made time to organise the party and spend few hours with me.

2009 : AUI!!!! One of the sweetest darkest moments of my life. Fall in Ifrane is cheering for tourists, but pretty depressing for locals, and that first semester in AUI was so depressing. My friends brought presents from Rabat, and my present to them was the birthday cake and the little party in the dock of my room in campus. Nice and simple.

2010 : This one was with my JCI friends, truth is, I got pretty good at detecting when my friends are organising my surprise birthday party, but I had to act surprised anyway, I couldn’t blow it off, I love them too much.

and the current one : 2011 was in Rabat, first time by the way, with family, and with greater expectations than I could ever ask for.

I asked for nice things, simple things, photos and videos and quotations, I got happy memories, sweet words, new networking connections, and great news.

A day full of surprises, from my bosses, from my father, my family. Lunch with my boss, café with my oldest friend, party with family, the next day, a pizza at café les artistes, with my teddy Amigo, watching facebook profiles, and making fun of each other.

I have paradise right under my feet.

What can I possibly ask for?

Confessions

This time I need to talk about ... Talking.

If you asked any of my oldest friends, friends who knew me four or more years ago, they would've told you that Touria is an open book to everyone who bothers reading it. It's true, talking about my problems and my worries was a habit, even more a daily therapy to keep my smile real (yes, I do have a fake smile sometimes, but only to keep people from turning the knife into the wound).

However, the breakdown I've gone through changed many things in me I have never thought they would change in a million years, and the last one I discovered was that I'm no longer capable of confessing or sharing my burden easily to my closest friends.

Even though my life is going wonderfully great lately, I still have some worries, some pain leftovers, some pieces to get together... and to do so, I need to get rid of all the weeds in my mind, all what's keeping me busy, or afraid to take the leap toward my dreams.

I tried many times to talk to my friends about what was really in my mind, I swear I tried. But each time, I stop before I can say a word. Once, I started a sentence, and changed the subject before I get into the real deal, and made it look like all what I had in mind was a silly thought about whether I will get enough time to finish a paper work bedore the deadline or not.

A few days ago, I wrote a long mail to two of my friends about what is actually happening in my head. It was mostly random ideas and worries (like any woman brain), and I just get them all out of my chest. I asked my friends not to talk to me about that when we'd meet. Why? Because I knew already what they were going to tell me, because I'm telling myself the same thing, because they would try to make me feel better in all the ways I already tried.

Damn it! who am I kidding here, the only reason I didn't talk to them or to anyone is that I don't want to recognize my weakness. I like the super woman role I'm playing, and in my dictionnary, super women have no flaws! I want to be strong and stay strong (I mean LOOK strong) to everyone.

But the reason I'm talking about this now on my blog, is that the few hours after I sent my mail (maybe a day after), I felt like crap, I even regretted that I sent it. But the funny thing is that after two days, I actually started to see things clearly, just like magic. Like getting things out of my chest helped clear all the fog from my head, and I actually started to sort things out fluently and easily... like I've already known all the answers from the begining, I figured out I just was afraid to screw things up again, and that is what prevented me from making the move.

My point is, telling people about our weaknesses, our worries, or even our pain, "coming out" to the closest people to whom you do not want to show that side of you, can actually be the ballast you need to drop in order to rise.

To tell you the truth, I missed the days where I could blow off whatever popped into my head. I remember now why I used to be so ... light and constantly inspired, it was not because I was young and unexperienced (w mazal madkhelni zzman), but because my head was clear from any useless or crippling thoughts.

Thank you MB and MC for pressuring me to talk, I can't promise I'd start talking right of way, I'm not the kind of person who likes the drama, so I will keep in mind that I can talk to you, my friends, whenever I feel like talking, only you should promise me to remain silent and make no faces :)

Message to all people reading my blog, if you are the kind of person who never talks, try to find deep inside what's keeping you from doing so, then choose a person trustworthy and spit it out! You'll feel awesome, I dare ya!

Last thing, a dedication to all my friends who have been really worried about me, I tell you :

I'm okay, I really am now
Just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I'll be honest with you
Still we don't know what's yet to come

Lene Marlin - Disguise

Un monde nouveau ... m'appelle

For the last few months, my life is finally back on track ; Good job, well paid, new friends, nice environment, positive energy. I've almost forgot what it feels to be fully satisfied after my two years struggle for better days.

Speaking of new friends, I have been introduced to a bunch of people who just fascinate me. People who actually struggled, people who had nothing, fought to get something, and who dream of everything.

MC. is a son of a handyman, is the best geek I have ever known, with a simple degree of ISTA, and a great sens of self education, he's in charge of multi millions projects. Even with his lack of concentration sometimes, he can get all the work done in much fewer hours than a normal geek does.

MK. was raised in one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in Rabat, didn't really kick asses in school, but is one of the best NLP and psychoanalysis young experts. He pays attention to details, likes to explore and analyse, and has the ability to read people in a blink.

AB. was never keen on studying, quit school early, and was dedicated to breakdancing, and he ROCKS! Even with his small sized body and his innocent teenage face, he survived unbearable cicumstances, and still embracing life with all what she offers him.

And the best one, BM, the outstandingly stunning self made artist is the one who inspires me the most. Son of a hardworking father who made a decent living for his family from nothing, and who still fights for his children miles away, BM made a lot of bad choices, done all possible bad things, and yet, changed his life and got himself on the way of success, inspiring people around him, his friends, his family, his teachers, his clients, his facebook friends, spreading joy around, and having them constantly asking for more and expecting the best of him.

Being raised as a spoiled rich girl, who always got what she wanted in life, I thought all 7 billions humans are as lucky as I am. When I got hurt, I thought I was the most miserable person on earth. But looking at these people, and see what they have to face everyday to be the persons they are today, made me feel soooo small, so hollow and ashamed of my childhood and adolescence.

I spent the last three months evaluating my life, what I've done, what I've achieved, what I have successfully managed, and what I have failed, what I missed, and what I screwed up, what changes I have made in this world, and what improvements have the world made in me, and that just made me numb.

Even now, I can't get myself to do anything. All I can do all day is think, then think, after that more thinking, and then a lot of thinking. My mind will explode!!!

But the good thing is that I finally got my emotion storm back. As I said in one of my previous posts, for my mental well being, I need to be overwhelmed, I need to be amazed to find inspiration.

I am amazed by the persons you are today,

I am amazed by your smiles and jokes,

I am amazed by your pride,

and most of it, I am amazed by "le monde nouveau" that you showed me.

Dears, Keep doing what you do, the way you do it, because you are all my shining muse.

Fresh air for a fresh mind

Last weekend was one of the best weekends I've ever had. I left Tangier 8 months ago, and it felt sooo good to meet you all again.

The last months were pretty tough for me, I got sick many times, couldn't focus well on my studies, got some bad grades because of that, and wasn't so self confident about my ability of succeeding. And what makes it much difficult is that I was away from my big family, which means I run out of support, and you my friends are that big family that provide this support.

I know I'm good, I know I capable of doing more, and I know you're still supporting me no matter what, but I needed to feel that again, because I realized knowing is not feeling. Your mind might be sure of something but if the message doesn't get to the heart, the effect is cancelled.

You all should know something about me. For my mental well being, I need to be overwhelmed, I need to feel a storm of emotions inside of me. And during last weekend, I felt so overwhelmed hamdullah. Being with all my friends at the graduation ceremony, the alumni meeting, the meeting of a club I was a member of, the "Soirée Marocaine", that was exactly the touch of happiness I really needed. I forgot all my worries and dark thoughts resulting from my depression, and I got sure that all my worries are only dark thoughts I should get rid of.

I'm sorry I have no other gift to offer you this new year but to express my gratitude again, for the positive energy you give me, just by saying hi with a smile on your faces.

Thank you for you smiles, for your kisses, your hugs, your sweet words, your support...

Thank you for making my days happier.

Best wishes 2010!

Always on Top...not really...back again, stronger than eve...

Always on Top!

Vous êtes habitués maintenant à voir cette phrase attachée à mon nom où vous le trouvez. J'ai été on Top pour quelques années maintenant, au Top de mes capacités, au Top de mes attentes, au Top sur tous les plans.

Mais comme chaque être humain sur ce globe, je ne peux rester tout le temps au Top.

Ces derniers mois ont été très durs pour moi. J'avais hâte de me lancer dans la nouvelle aventure, j'étais tellement enthousiasmée que je n'imaginais pas que ça serait aussi difficile.

Un système des études plus serré, des gens qui ne connaissent pas mon passé et auxquels je dois donner une certaine bonne impression pour me faire des amis, une santé qui s'est détériorée petit à petit et qui n'arrive pas à supporter la pression que je m'impose. Enfin des petits obstacles qui font du fait que je suis loin de mes amis, de mon monde, de mon royaume, une souffrance quotidienne.

C'est normal, c'est humain, chacun de nous dois passer par des dark moments, des moments où l'on ne voit rien de bon, ni rien qui vaut la peine. Des moments où l'on doute de ses habilités, et ses capacités à surmonter l'insurmontable.

Et cette phrase que j'attache à mon nom, a été stratégiquement attachée pour que mes moments de faiblesses ne durent pas plus longtemps qu'il le faut, pour me rappeler que dans un temps j'ai été au Top, et que je dois le rester aussi longtemps que je le pourrai.

Nous avons tous besoin de souffrances dans nos vies, nous avons besoin de déception et de trahison, de confusion et de malaise, de perte d'être chers et de trahison.... Je ne suis pas pessimiste, au contraire, je suis une personne qui accueillie la vie à bras ouverts. Mais les souffrances que j'ai endurées ces derniers mois ont fait de moi une personne plus forte, une Pianista Touria, Always on Top, again, stronger than ever!

Un guerrier de la Lumière est celui qui, malgré les difficultés quotidiennes, est encore capable de lutter pour ses rêves.

Enfin, je veux faire une spéciale dédicace pour Shahinaz qui a été mon seul refuge durant ces derniers mois. Thank you Shahi for everything, I love you :)

Reste à ce que vous me souhaitiez un Joyeux anniversaire, de réussite, de bonheur, shiha w salama, w chi khedma hia hadik, w chi rajel howa hadak, w dak swabate kaaaaamla.

Et de ma part, je vous remercie d'avance, et vous demande de continuer à influencer ma vie de toutes les manières possibles, me rappelant toujours que je dois rester Always On Top!

23 years old!!

23 years old! Only 7 years to my 30’s, the summum a person can reach when still being called young. And till now, I’m happy about what I’m doing, and what I’m aiming for.

This is a big turning point of my life, just like the one 5 years ago. The last turning point made me who I am, with my little successes and failures, this one is more important because it’s supposed to improve me and make me rise.

Actually, today, I have more doubts than I’ve ever had in my life. Doubts about my skills, about my personality, about my ability to achieve my dreams and my ability to handle my weakness moments and darkest hours. In fact, I keep questioning myself about all that, I don’t know whether I’m right or wrong, am I doing things right or wrong, am I getting people right or wrong, am I living my life the right way or the wrong way.

All those many questions keep hitting my mind every single minute of the day, and I don’t really have answers for any of them. I don’t even know if what I’m doing is getting me where I want to be. I’m not sure I’m as good as I think I am. But one thing I’m sure of is that I’m optimistic and determined enough to fight till I make it happen, to stand one day in front of the mirror and say to myself : this is what I always dreamed of, and here I am getting it all.

Of course I can’t do it by myself, I need to be strong. And as I always did, I get my strength from my friends, and you are those friends. Maybe I haven’t been a good friend for some of you lately, maybe life will tear us apart one day, but I want you to know all of you, that you helped me, in a way or another, with a word, a look, a hug, or just a wink, to see clearly and believe in myself, and to believe in your love.

So thank you all for being in my life, thank you for still being in my life, and hope to pay you back, and make just a little effect on the life of each one of you, like you all have been an inspiration for me.

With love

3 ans après

ça fait exactement 3 ans que s'est passé l'évenement le plus fort et le plus tournant de toute ma vie. Je relis encore les articles que j'ai écris sur ce blog depuis, et un sourire de satisfaction et de sérénité se met sur ma bouche, et je ne peux m'empêcher de sourire.

Le 22 juin 2006 à 18h50 j'ai reçu la nouvelle de mon echec, le premier echec de toute ma courte vie. Je suis passée par des moments ou j'ai douté de moi et de mes capacités... Je me suis sentie bonne à rien et toute l'énergie négative qu'on peut avoir dans des moments comme celui la. Mais c'était le jour ou toute ma vie a bousculé, positivement hamdullah. Tous mes plans ont changé, toutes mes priorités ont été revues.

Le sourire que j'ai eu en relisant le blog était un sourire de fiérté. Faisant le bilan de ces 3 ans, je vois que j'ai beaucoup changé. J'ai respecté plusieurs promesses je me suis faites, j'ai fait de mes 20 ans les meilleures années de ma vie, et chaque année ça devient de plus en plus meilleur.

A 20 ans, j'ai été membre fondateur d'un nouveau club à l'école, j'ai participé à lancer un grand projet, j'ai eu ma première initiation en politique en participant à la campagne électorale de septembre 2007, j'ai lu le maximum que je pouvais sur des sujets qui m'intéressent, le développement personnel, le management, le leadership, la gestion des ressources humaines, le marketing, et surtout surtout beaucoup de Paulo Coelho.

A 21 ans, j'ai été membre fondateur d'une association, et j'ai été élue présidente à l'unanimité, j'ai participé au lancement d'un nouveau projet, j'ai beaucoup travaillé sur mon leadership et mes personal skills, et je me suis réjouie du réseau social que j'ai pu tisser autour de moi, de par mes amis, mes camarades de classe, mes contacts facebook et msn... j'ai influencé la vie de plusieurs personnes, et je suis devenue la grande sœur de beaucoup de gens que j'adore.

A 22 ans, bein je pense que l'événement le plus marquant de cette année est que j'ai enfin fini mes études, et il ne me reste que la soutenance pour avoir enfin le fameux diplôme tant chéri par ma famille. Un diplôme qui m'a fait souffrir parfois, que j'ai haï à des moments, mais qui me procure maintenant un sentiment de paix.

Je veux vous dire les amis que je suis extrêmement heureuse, quand j'écrivais sur mon blog, j'étais convaincue par ce que j'y mettais, mais j'avais peur d'être emportée par la vie et par les responsabilités et d'oublier de vivre mes rêves. Et me voila, 3 ans après ma promesse, je vois que je suis toujours sur le même chemin, mais avec de techniques nouvelles et plus efficaces.

J'espère que vous allez suivre vos rêves aussi chers amis, et je suis la avec mon blog pour vous rappeler que vous ne devez pas vous emporter, et pour me le rappeler de même à moi aussi.

Merci à vous tous, qui ont affecté ma vie directement ou indirectement, en me faisant plaisir ou en me faisant mal et me rendant plus forte devant les souffrances. Merci aux personnes que je viens de connaitre et qui commencent déjà à avoir un effet sur ma vie.

Juste pour rappel : "Un guerrier de la lumière ne peut baisser la tête, sinon il perd de vue l'horizon de ses rêves."